〤 Advantages of reading Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life ⏘ E-Pub Author Susan Forward ␜

〤 Advantages of reading Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life ⏘ E-Pub Author Susan Forward ␜ 〤 Advantages of reading Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life ⏘ E-Pub Author Susan Forward ␜ Godlike ParentsThe Myth of the Perfect ParentThe ancient Greeks had a problem The gods looked down from their ethereal playground atop Mount Olympus and passed judgment on everything the Greeks were up to And if the gods weren t pleased, they were swift to punish They didn t have to be kind they didn t have to be just they didn t even have to be right In fact, they could be downright irrational At their whim, they could turn you into an echo or make you push a boulder uphill for all eternity Needless to say, the unpredictability of these powerful gods sowed quite a bit of fear and confusion among their mortal followers.Not unlike many toxic parent child relationships An unpredictable parent is a fearsome god in the eyes of a child.When we re very young, our godlike parents are everything to us Without them, we would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused, and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing we were unable to survive alone They are our all powerful providers We need, they supply.With nothing and no one to judge them against, we assume them to be perfect parents As our world broadens beyond our crib, we develop a need to maintain this image of perfection as a defense against the great unknowns we increasingly encounter As long as we believe our parents are perfect, we feel protected.In our second and third years of life, we begin to assert our independence We resist toilet training and revel in our terrible twos We embrace the word no because it allows us to exercise some control over our lives, whereas yes is simply an acquiescence We struggle to develop a unique identity, establish our own will.The process of separating from parents reaches its peak during puberty and adolescence, when we actively confront parental values, tastes, and authority In a reasonably stable family, parents are able to withstand much of the anxiety that these changes create For the most part, they will attempt to tolerate, if not exactly encourage, their child s emerging independence The expression it s just a phase becomes a standard assurance for understanding parents, who remember their own teenage years and appreciate rebellion as a normal stage of emotional development.Toxic parents aren t so understanding From toilet training through adolescence, they tend to see rebellion or even individual differences as a personal attack They defend themselves by reinforcing their child s dependence and helplessness Instead of promoting healthy development, they unconsciously undermine it, often with the belief that they are acting in their child s best interest They may use phrases such as it builds character or she needs to learn right from wrong, but their arsenals of negativity really harm their child s self esteem, sabotaging any budding independence No matter how much these parents believe they re right, such assaults are confusing to a child, bewildering in their animosity, their vehemence, and their suddenness.Our culture and our religions are almost unanimous in upholding the omnipotence of parental authority It s acceptable to express anger at our husbands, wives, lovers, siblings, bosses, and friends, but it s almost taboo to assertively confront our parents How often have we heard the phrases don t talk back to your mother or don t you dare shout at your father The Judeo Christian tradition enshrines the taboo in our collective unconscious by pronouncing God the Father and directing us to honor thy father and mother The idea finds voices in our schools, our churches, our government a return to family values , even in our corporations According to the conventional wisdom, our parents are empowered to control us simply because they gave us life.The child is at the mercy of his godlike parents and, like the ancient Greeks, never knows when the next lightning bolt will strike But the child of toxic parents knows that the lightning is coming sooner or later This fear becomes deeply ingrained and grows with the child At the core of every formerly mistreated adult even high achievers is a little child who feels powerless and afraid.The Cost of Appeasing the GodsAs a child s self esteem is undermined, his dependence grows, and with it his need to believe that his parents are there to protect and provide The only way emotional assaults or physical abuse can make sense to a child is if he or she accepts responsibility for the toxic parent s behavior.No matter how toxic your parents might be, you still have a need to deify them Even if you understand, on one level, that your father was wrong to beat you, you may still believe he was justified Intellectual understanding is not enough to convince your emotions that you were not responsible.As one of my clients put it I thought they were perfect, so when they treated me badly, I figured I was bad.There are two central doctrines in this faith of godlike parents 1.I am bad and my parents are good.2.I am weak and my parents are strong.These are powerful beliefs that can long outlive your physical dependence on your parents These beliefs keep the faith alive they allow you to avoid facing the painful truth that your godlike parents actually betrayed you when you were most vulnerable.Your first step toward controlling your life is to face that truth for yourself It will take courage, but if you re reading this book, you ve already made a commitment to change That took courage, too.They Never Let Me Forget How I Disgraced ThemSandy, 28, a striking brunette who seemed to have it all, was seriously depressed when she first came to see me She told me that she was unhappy with everything in her life She had been a floral designer for several years at a prestigious shop She had always dreamed of opening her own business, but she was convinced that she wasn t smart enough to succeed She was terrified of failure.Sandy had also been trying to get pregnant for than two years, with no success As we talked, I began to see that her inability to get pregnant was causing her to feel strong resentment toward her husband and inadequate in their relationship, despite the fact that he sounded genuinely understanding and loving A recent conversation with her mother had aggravated the issue This whole pregnancy has become a real obsession with me When I had lunch with my mom I told her how disappointed I was She said to me, I ll bet it s that abortion you had The Lord works in mysterious ways I haven t been able to stop crying since She never lets me forget.I asked her about the abortion After some initial hesitancy, she told me the story It happened when I was in high school My parents were very, very strict Catholics, so I went to parochial school I developed early, and by the time I was twelve, I was five foot six, weighed one hundred thirty pounds, and wore a 36 C bra Boys started paying attention to me, and I really liked it It drove my dad crazy The first time he caught me kissing a boy good night, he called me a whore so loud that the whole neighborhood heard It was downhill from there Every time I went out with a boy, Dad told me I was going to hell He never let up I figured I was damned anyway, so when I was fifteen I slept with this guy Just my luck, I got pregnant When my folks found out, they went nuts Then I told them I wanted an abortion they totally lost it They must have screamed at me about mortal sin a thousand times If I wasn t going to hell already, they were sure this would clinch it The only way I could get them to sign a consent was to threaten to kill myself.I asked Sandy how things went for her after the abortion She slumped down in her chair with a dejected look that made my heart ache.Talk about a fall from grace I mean, Dad made me feel horrible enough before, but now I felt like I didn t even have a right to exist The ashamed I felt, the harder I tried to make things right I just wanted to turn back the clock, get back the love I had when I was little But they never miss a chance to bring it up They re like a broken record about what I did and how I disgraced them I can t blame them I should ve never done what I did I mean, they had such high moral expectations for me Now I just want to make it up to them for hurting them so bad with my sins So I do anything they want me to do It drives my husband crazy He and I get in these huge fights about it But I can t help it I just want them to forgive me.As I listened to this lovely young woman, I was very touched by the suffering her parents behavior had caused her and by how much she needed to deny their responsibility for that suffering She seemed almost desperate to convince me that she was to blame for all that happened to her Sandy s self blame was compounded by her parents unyielding religious beliefs I knew I had my work cut out for me if Sandy was to see how genuinely cruel and emotionally abusive her parents had been to her I decided this was not a time to be nonjudgmental.Susan You know something I m really angry for that young girl I think your parents were awful to you I think they misused your religion to punish you I don t think you deserved any of it.Sandy I committed two mortal sins Susan Look, you were just a kid Maybe you made some mistakes, but you don t have to keep paying for them forever Even the Church lets you atone and get on with your life If your parents were as good as you say they are, they would have shown some compassion for you.Sandy They were trying to save my soul If they didn t love me so much, they wouldn t care.Susan Let s look at this from a different perspective What if you hadn t had that abortion And you had a little girl She d be about sixteen now, right Sandy nodded, trying to figure out where I was headed.Susan Suppose she got pregnant Would you treat her like your parents treated you Sandy Not in a million years Sandy realized the implications of what she d said.Susan You d be loving And your parents should have been loving That s their failure, not yours.Sandy had spent half her life constructing an elaborate wall of defense Such defensive walls are all too common among adult children of toxic parents They can be made of a variety of psychological building blocks, but the most common, the primary material in Sandy s wall, is a particularly obstinate brick called denial.The Power of DenialDenial is both the most primitive and the most powerful of psychological defenses It employs a make believe reality to minimize, or even negate, the impact of certain painful life experiences It even makes some of us forget what our parents did to us, allowing us to keep them on their pedestals.The relief provided by denial is temporary at best, and the price for this relief is high Denial is the lid on our emotional pressure cooker the longer we leave it on, the pressure we build up Sooner or later, that pressure is bound to pop the lid, and we have an emotional crisis When that happens, we have to face the truths we ve been so desperately trying to avoid, except now we ve got to face them during a period of extreme stress If we can deal with our denial up front, we can avoid the crisis by opening the pressure valve and leting it out easily.Unfortunately, your own denial is not the only denial you may have to contend with Your parents have denial systems of their own When you are struggling to reconstruct the truth of your past, especially when that truth reflects poorly on them, your parents may insist that it wasn t so bad, it didn t happen that way, or even that it didn t happen at all Such statements can frustrate your attempts to reconstruct your personal history, leading you to question your own impressions and memories They undercut your confidence in your ability to perceive reality, making it that much harder to rebuild your self esteem.Sandy s denial was so strong that not only couldn t she see her own reality, she couldn t even acknowledge that there was another reality to see I empathized with her pain, but I had to get her at least to consider the possibility that she had a false image of her parents I tried to be as nonthreatening as possible I respect the fact that you love your parents and that you believe they re good people I m sure they did some very good things for you when you were growing up But there s got to be a part of you that knows or at least senses that loving parents don t assault their child s dignity and self worth so relentlessly I don t want to pull you away from your parents or your religion You don t have to disown them or renounce the Church But a big part of lifting your depression may depend on giving up the fantasy that they re perfect They were cruel to you They hurt you Whatever you did, you had already done No amount of haranguing from them was going to change that Can t you feel how deeply they hurt the sensitive young girl inside of you And how unnecessary it was Sandy s yes was barely audible I asked her if it scared her to think about it She just nodded, unable to talk about the depth of her fear But she was brave enough to hang in there.The Hopeless HopeAfter two months in therapy, Sandy had made some progress but was still clinging to the myth of her perfect parents Until she shattered that myth, she would continue to blame herself for all the unhappiness of her life I asked her to invite her parents to a therapy session I hoped that if I could get them to see how deeply their behavior had affected Sandy s life, they might admit some of their responsibility, making it easier for Sandy to begin repairing her negative self image.We barely had time to get acquainted before her father blurted You don t know what a bad kid she was, Doctor She went nuts over boys and kept leading them on All of her problems today are because of that damned abortion.I could see tears well up in Sandy s eyes I rushed to defend herA dynamic, powerful, hard hitting book It offers tremendous hope as well as understanding It could truly be a lifesaver Abigail Van Buren, Dear AbbyI consider Susan Forward to be among the foremost therapists of our age John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame That Binds You and HomecomingBantam Books by Susan Forward Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them When Loving Hurts and You Dont Know WhyObsessive Love When It Hurts Too Much to Let GoToxic Parents Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life Toxic Parents Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Susan Forward s Toxic Reclaiming Your Life provides a much needed guide on how victims of abuse can But we often turn blind eye to the scars created by child want believe in sanctity family, even when millions children grow up battered both inside out In this remarkable self help guide, Dr drawn case histories real life voices adult toxic parents you free yourself from frustrating patterns your relationship with discover an exciting new world Forward, The hurtful legacy manifests itself adulthood as difficulties relationships, careers, decision making, depression Whatever burden carry shame family alcoholism or abandonment verbal physical ultimate betrayal incest release demons blame once for all based ratings reviews How Deal With Oct , How Parent BULLIEs Ben Leichtling offers suggestions book explains dynamics dysfunctional very easy read format Types are discussed detail, such inadequate parents, controllers, alcoholics, verbal, physical, sexual abusers, well system why behave way Quotes About That ll Help Heal Broken Heart Quote Catalog is quote engine internet BONUS This edition contains excerpt Men Who Hate Women Love Them When were who do unloving things name most had too A frequently inherited causing damage generation after thus not something that invent, but rather result accumulated feelings, rules, interactions, have been handed down ancestor Tips For Dealing Bustle any capacity if it maintaining everyday routine them while quietly dissecting Signs You Have HealthyWay good news is, ve raised parent, be happy Studies show through therapy, overcome abusive childhood become better parent first step recognize Think maybe got Here nine signs decide deal It possible heal parenting begins hurt left behind won t story will end some ways move forward okay let go penguinrandomhouse By Of Many People Don Realize twist situation suit their needs, leaves two choices accept wrong internalize cases, children, those adults now, choose latter option Kindle Forward, Craig Buck Download was quick really didn offer useful, world, advice reclaim mostly focused realizing confronting I would given stars could PhD internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, author number one New York Times bestsellers Them, Betrayal Innocence Incest Its Devastation, Money Demons, Emotional Blackmail, Lover Is Liar, Laws If dealing Fighting became seemed perfectly normal Share Buy cheap copy great resource anyone suffering at hands recognized therapist writer, love Book summary Blaz Kos summaries, Psychology One best selling books defining FREE shipping qualifying Are Did tell bad worthless use pain discipline take care because Goodreads quotes Children encouraged do, try, explore, ma frequent reaction counterattack remember, important thing confrontation reaction, response manage stand fast face fury, accusation, threats guilt manipulations, experience finest hour draining emotional laborSusan Therapist, Best Selling Author nation leading therapists, author, dynamic lecturer talk guest addition her private practice, she has served instructor consultant many Southern California psychiatric medical facilities Emotional Blackmail Use Fear Fear, Obligation, Guilt Manipulate Donna Frazier practical communication break blackmail cycle good, Wikipedia FOG terms, popularized psychotherapist about controlling people relationships theory fear, obligation, transactional play between controller person being controlled Understanding these useful trying extricate behavior another Anderson Abandonment Abandoholics anonymous,Abandoholics,Abandoholism,abandon,abandoned,abandoner,abandonment recovery,abandonment,abandonoholic,abandonphobic,abandophobia, abandonphibia Lawrence Gourmet Foods As premiere boutique caterer, unique its approach event planning party design three decades experience, truly understand throw B Anthony ANTHONY, Brownell, reformer, born South Adams, Massachusetts, Feb Daniel Anthony, father, cotton manufacturer, liberal Quaker, educated his daughters idea support, employed skillful teachers own house MARIA SHRIVER POWERED BY INSPIRATION hearing individuals challenge what imagine be, make difference humanity call Architects Change WATCH VIDEOS I m original voice Siri CNN Bennett suburban Atlanta says US version Apple iPhone SusanAfter blogged five years Fifty, Susan, Thank bright spot my email box always usable information beautiful photos appreciate disclosure judicial advertising blog Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

    • Format Kindle
    • 320 pages
    • 9780553381405
    • Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
    • Susan Forward
    • Anglais
    • 2018-12-16T14:51+02:00